Say Goodbye

Monday, January 25, 2010

I won’t ever trade whichever moment in my life with anyone. I can consider my life as pasty. Well, that isn’t really a good introduction. I should say that the first two statements are in disparity. Who in world would love a dull and dreary lifestyle? I don’t smoke nor drink. I seldom attend parties, gatherings or even family reunions. I don’t spend my money buying new clothes or the latest in technology. I am a simple person living a plain life. I wholeheartedly love my life.

 

 

Then one lovely day, someone came in my life and made an extraordinary mark in my heart. Since the day she met me, she never left my heart as well. Am I that assuming? I guess not. I completely believe I just stated what my heart is trying to convey. I loved this person more than anything else. She is my life, my everyday, my forever. Words sprung out naturally. Consider it or not, I rarely engaged myself in the sin called lying. I always get the unhealthy feeling when I do that.

 

 

Recently, we’ve gone through this tough situation where in my mind went hysterical. I sense I was totally betrayed and abandoned. I learned that she had something in the past that she didn’t bother to tell me at all. That was so frustrating and outrageous on my end. My feelings were gone for a while. When my sanity came back in, I realized that after all, my loved for her wasn’t worthy. Aside from reading books, my favorite hobby then is to think about her every time I get the chance. I loved her deeply. I could call it selfless love. Too bad, it was wasted.

 

 

That morning, she was trying to call me. I never answer any phone call from her. I just can’t. I’m still stuck in the incident which made me think that again, I’m a loser. Saturday morning, I convinced myself not to text her. Besides, if she still cares, she will take the opportunity to win me back. True enough, she sent me a thoughtless message, explaining the things that happened. Because of the message that she sent, I thought then that she’s really showing less care, trying to say that we’re through. I was crying like crazy that moment. I can’t stand the pain I’m going through. I’m really helpless.

 

 

Sunday afternoon, I decided to move on with my life. She isn’t my world any longer. I need to focus on things that were more important. Before the evening showed up, I took myself in the church and prayed to God to grant me the courage to move on. I also visited my optometrist since I need to replace my lenses. It was already dusk when I went back to our home in Pampanga.

 

 

When I arrive home, I was surprised because it was our barangay’s fiesta. Evidently, I was still thinking about my problems, not knowing that there’s something happening in our area. Early evening when I decided to pay a visit to my best friend who lives few blocks from our home.

 

 

I told her the whole scenario. She felt sorry for me. As I lay down the whole story, tears came out voluntarily. She could tell that I have been hurt so much, that I badly need to die to forget the mess. She hurriedly grab my mobile phone and started texting the person who started the dilemma. From worse, things transcend to worst.

 

 

By this time, I’m still in pain. I can barely eat. I have been thinking about her all day.

By the way, I passed my Introduction to Audiology and Phonology midterm exam. That was hard as hell. Thank God, I surpassed it. It reduced the amount of the pain though. Still, that wasn’t adequate to cover all the sadness I’m feeling all over.

 

 

Goodbyes are loathsome. Somehow, it makes me grateful to think that the only way for us to open a new chapter in our lives is to say that appalling word one can ever hear—- bye. The first two statements are in disparity. Who loves goodbye, anyway?  I can’t move on. I’m going nowhere. I still love her. I just don’t know what to do.